Warning! Long post ahead:For those inclined to prayer, I'd like to ask that you pray for my (crazy) aunt Karen. She was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer earlier this week. This is a very aggressive form of cancer that does not follow the pattern for detection that most breast cancers do. It forms in sheets rather than lumps and so it evades detection by manual examination for lumps or even by mammogram.
The good news is that now that aunt Karen and I are both fighting cancer we've doubled the odds in our favor! There's a new "Dynamic Duo" in town Mr. Cancer. You don't have a chance.....
What's the scoop on my condition?
On a personal front in the new team effort, I'm going through my "annual" retest for cancer. The first couple of times were a bit rough, but the last couple were easy (relatively) since modern science had developed a shot that could bring my hormone levels to the place they needed to be without taking me off my meds (not a good thing, trust me). I tried to get this scan set up beginning last year and the Dr wanted me to take a sleep apnea test first. I did. Now I sleep with a CPAP (Continous Positive Airway Pressure) machine, basically a device that shoves air up my nose all night. Then there was delay after delay until finally things seemed to be underway. The problem was I couldn't get anything scheduled. The doctor wanted me to set it up with the radio-oncology dept at the hospital since they were the ones who administered the magic shots last time. They couldn't do it without a referral. The doctor didn't know what to order because he's never given the shots and sent paperwork over to the hospital asking them to order the stuff. The hospital said it won't give the shots any more. The doctor says they can't give the shots any more because it was pulled off the shelves because it was dangerous. Eh, worked for me...... Anyway, a little over a month and a half ago the Dr. took me off my meds and it's been a downhill ride ever since.
I decided to work as long as I could. The last time my boss sent me home as soon as I told him what was coming up. That was bad for the finances. This time I'm under a reorganized IT department and told only those who needed to know and a few friends. At first things went pretty well. I was even able to go to a week of training for my new position (where I actually met some pretty cool folks working at the hotel that were a blessing to me). I was also able to make the trek to Kansas for my mom's birthday (although I was quite fatigued and the puffiness and swelling had already started). The plan was to take a day off to rest up and then hit it again. Everything went according to plan except for the hit it again part...... On the way back from Kansas I was a hurtin' puppy. Every wiggle side to side was killing me because the core muscles just couldn't hold up trying to keep me aligned I guess. I didn't go back to work.
The Process
Here's the timeline thus far and what we're looking at going forward: First of July I stopped my primary medication which has a month (plus) cumulative effect and takes a few weeks to wear off. On the first of August I stopped the secondary medication which doesn't accumulate and is depleted from the system in a matter of a day or two. I stay off these meds and my thyroid levels plummet toward zero which results in all manner of physiological discomforts and problems (more on that in a moment).
As the thyroid hormone drops the body begins to manufacture another hormone that tries to tap the thyroid on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me, but we'd really appreciate it if you made us some more thyroid hormones because none of the rest of us can function properly without it." The only problem is that there's no longer a thyroid there to heed the call. When the body sees that its polite request is being ignored, it steps things up and produces ever increasing levels of the hormone asking for more thyroid to be produced until it is screaming out for "MORE THYROID NOW!!!!!!" When it reaches that point the only tissues that respond to it are thyroid cancer tumors and I think all they do is make fun of the plight of the body and take credit for all the symptoms and give each other high fives...... well, at the cellular level......
It is at this point that I can eat some radioactive iodine in the morning and come back in the afternoon and lay still while they run a big disc over me to see if any of the iodine accumulates in "hotspots". Those spots will be tumors. If there are no tumors, I get to go back on my meds immediately and it takes a few weeks to start feeling normal (and possibly able to return to work) and up to a month or so to be back in full swing.
BUT! If there are tumors I must stay off the meds while the doctors cook up a super radioactive pill with enough radiation to kill all the tumors (and a few other things in the process) and I check into the hospital for a brief but lonely stay. Once I take the pill I can't have any visitors until the daily visit with a lead clad person holding a geiger counter tells me I'm no longer hot enough to be a threat to society. After that we schedule a follow up scan to see if the treatment took out all the tumors. If not, we repeat the process. If so, I go back on the meds.
So, What Point Are We At?
Right now? I'm somewhere between politely requesting more hormones and screaming out for more. How long until I'm ready for the scan? Don't know. I was supposed to see the doctor yesterday, but he wasn't in. The office tried to call me to reschedule and left several messages for me...... on my work phone....... Sigh..............
This time around I'm experiencing things I don't remember from the last two times my body was allowed to go through this cycle, along with some I well remember. Earlier this week I had a return visit from Mr. Unexpected Cramp In An Unusual Place when my throat literally siezed up. Bam! Felt like I was being choked and stabbed in the throat simultaneously. Left me spent..... The last time I remember a super cramp in my abs that woke me out of a dead sleep (which is harder and harder to come by) and twisted my belly into a palpable knot that left me gasping and sweating when it released its grip.
Other things of note? Fatigue (check); numbness in hands (check); muscles feel like I've just had an intense weight lifting session and achieved the biggest "pump" ever (check); only being able to stand or walk for a few minutes before my lower back gives out (check); typing a couple of lines and then having to rest my arms (check); head gets too heavy to hold up (check); voice gives out because jaw, throat and tongue muscles can't continue (check); headaches mid-day from trying to hold my eyes open by lifting the eyelids with my forehead muscles (check).
A couple of manifestations I don't remember? I'm now waking up every morning with my eyes glued shut by some super adhesive secreted by my own body. Last night I couldn't sleep so I came out and worked on this blog entry (knowing it will take hours spread out over alternating rests and restarts and more than one day). I kept feeling like I was passing out but would recover immediately and then feel like I was passing out again within a few seconds. This wasn't like falling asleep in your chair because I wasn't sleepy -- tired but not sleepy -- but very much like blacking out. It was so persistent that I went to look in the mirror for signs of a stroke or something. Nope. Just a swollen face (check) and puffy eyes (check). I finally went back to bed and eventually fell asleep but woke up pretty early this morning.
What's In My Head As A Result?
I learn something each time I go through this though. This time I've been reading "Experiencing God", by Henry Blackaby. Wow. Reading, by the way, consists of lying down and holding the book until I can't hold it up any more. Usually a couple of pages to start and then a few paragraphs and eventually a line or two. Turns out that gives me more time to reflect on what I've just read.
In the previous times I've gone through this I got all sorts of comments about how it was obvious that my faith was sustaining me. That's once again the case, but as I read this book I'm finding out something new. I have this deep reservoir of faith that I am able to tap whenever I'm thrown into the abyss by something beyond my control (like being diagnosed with cancer the first time or the shots being taken off the market this time). I can attest to the faithfulness of God in meeting our needs each time I've found myself in the valley of the shadow (and it is only a shadow) of death or for prolonged lengths of unemployment or other hardships that I've not chosen to make public because of their nature. What this book has helped me to realize is that I've not yet reached the point to where I am willing to step into an abyss voluntarily.
Well, why would you want to do that? That's just nuts! The fact is you wouldn't want to do that. Not just to do it. But if God were calling you to take a step of faith to do something that was well beyond your capabilities and resources, a step that, without God's equipping and supply would result in certain ruin..... a call like the one he gave to Moses....... If my aim is to know God and to make him known, then a call like that would allow me to manifest God to others through my weakness and show him to be strong in my behalf:
2Chronicles 16:9 For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.My prayer now is that I will learn to transfer my trust in God when thrown into the abyss into a trust that is willing to follow his call by certain faith into uncertain waters. Then, perhaps others will see Christ in me, the hope of glory....... Amen.
============ Update from previous post ================
From The "As If This Weren't Too Long Already" Dept.
As a follow up on the previous post. Chase Bank also closed out my Photography account (It appears that nefarious babysitting isn't the only suspicious activity they monitor) and I had to open a new one. I really didn't need something else to be dragged out of the house for..... We opted for accounts with a family owned bank instead of one of the big, heartless (and apparently brainless) mega banks and opened new acounts with Amtrust Bank here in Arizona. They seem to offer everything the big guys do other than ubiquitous ATMs and are very pleasant to work with. I'll keep you posted......
