I Like Rollercoasters....... Usually.........

Normally I like roller coasters. If I go to a theme park I want to ride all the coasters. I know a coaster is really good when my face hurts at the end of the ride because I've been grinning so big.

That's the norm for me.

I don't like the roller coaster I find myself on right now. Monday and Tuesday I was really feeling a lot better. Wednesday and Thursday I plummeted and felt horrible for two days. Nothing thrilling about that plunge. So far today I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully we're on an uphill trend for a bit.

Enough about me though:

I got an email from my aunt Karen. Her hair is pretty much gone from her chemo, but she isn't getting sick from it. That's a real answer to prayer. She's had a port implanted behind her collar bone so that the chemo can be directly administered there. Continue to pray for aunt Karen and for Brooke Nungesser in Poznan, Poland (I mentioned her recurrent pituitary tumor last post). If you want to, you can keep praying for me, but I'm pretty much on the mend and there's no place to go but up....... well, except for the occasional plunge......

One Week Back On The Meds.......

Today marks one week since I was told I was cancer free and able to resume my meds. The swelling has gone down considerably. This weekend my thumbs and forearms were finally pliable and no longer feel like the skin is about to split. However, I still have to rest after a couple of lines of typing. For instance, I had to lower my arms and let them hang for about one minute after typing the line about my thumbs and forearms.

As soon as I went on the meds I think I started losing water accumulation and started dropping weight by about a pound a day (don't I wish that was a trend that would continue with excess fat after the excess water is gone). That got me all excited that my recovery would go much quicker this time, but the trend seemed to plateau after five days. Drat!

I've been having crazy ideas that come in the middle of the night. I think my brain is starting to shake off the fog and is metaphorically leaping for joy and just throwing out ideas and getting all excited about them to the point I'm not getting much sleep. I have to admit the ideas are pretty cool (or maybe the part of my brain that analyzes stuff is still in the mental fog or any idea is a breath of fresh air and is being evaluated purely emotionally) and I'm jotting them down. Some of them have to do with lighting setups and other ideas for photography. One is an idea for a notebook (paper, not computer) of all things. Some are just plain silly..... Like, "What would an Amish TV network be like? Especially considering the Amish don't watch TV." I have a newscast with Jedediah Lehman as the bearded anchor man and some stories already cooking. Now, if I can just get ahold of a good video camera.....

I was able to go to church yesterday. That was a major plus. I only missed the previous Sunday in order to protect the church peeps from my radioactive-ness, but it seemed like it had been forever. I just sat in a chair and everyone came by to say howdy and get (or give) a radioactive-free hug.

When I wake up in the mornings my eyes are still glued shut. When I wipe the goo free and am able to open them they still look like these angry black holes in my face, but I think they look better after a few hours (or I just get used to seeing them like that whenever I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror). It's hard to evaluate and determine if something is actually progress (like the weight loss, which was measurable) or just subjective hopefulness. A few things are undeniable, but most of the things I've "noticed" may just be wishful thinking -- although, that in itself could be a result of just feeling better in general.

I'm going to try an outing today and see how I do.

Prayer Request
Pastor announced yesterday that Brooke Nungesser, one of "our" missionaries to Poland (one of the 'Polish Nuns' [Nungesser]), has received her results from a recent MRI and the tumor on her pituitary is back. I know that Brooke was praying for me and I will certainly be praying for Brooke. Whatever lies ahead may not be easy, but I can assure you that God's sustaining grace is more than sufficient for you at every point along the journey. Take this opportunity to draw near to him and he will draw near to you.

There's something about "cancer" and other "tragic circumstances" that can be a great clarifier. You get that diagnosis or hear some news and suddenly things that occupied your thoughts and held such a place of high importance just evaporate like a fog into thin air, leaving the things that were truly important all along to stand in stark contrast to the formerly important things that obscured them.

So, why did I use quotation marks around "cancer" and "tragic circumstances"? Because they aren't even important. They are the catalyst that parts the curtain of life to reveal what is genuinely important. We get so wrapped up in circumstances and possessions that we neglect and even abuse that which is precious beyond measure. You can just cruise through an average neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday and see it. The parent yelling at the kid that just put a dent in the car with her tricycle for instance. If you were to go to the parent and tell them you could make the car good as new and protect it from any new damage from dents or scratches they might get pretty excited. So you wave your hand and the dent is gone along with any scratches, and tar from recent road repairs just glides off and drops to the ground. Now they're really excited! "That was amazing! And you're saying it'll just stay this way? In perfect condition? For as long as I own it?" You nod in the affirmative. Now, as you walk away you reach down and pick up the little girl they were just yelling at and head down the street. Gratitude turns to anger and they want to know where you're going with their kid. "Oh, that's the price. The child is now mine in exchange for a perfect finish on your precious car......" Now perspectives change radically. The finish on the car isn't nearly as important when you're faced with the true value of a treasure so recently taken for granted. In fact, you'd rather lose the new car completely......

For me, cancer was like that. Cancer cleared away the fog of busy-ness we allow ourselves to be caught up in and I was able to see once again the things that truly matter. Did I enjoy cancer? No. But if I could go back and choose to opt out of it, I wouldn't do it if it meant I lost the things gained by having gone through it.

That's my prayer for Brooke and for my aunt Karen. That cancer would be a tool that God uses in their lives to bring something of value to them that transcends the "circumstances" they'll find themselves in as a result of their diagnoses and treatments. I can't wave my hand and have their cancer not exist. It's there. It's real. But there is a name that is greater than the name of their particular type of tumor. He is also there. He is also real. And he has the testimony that he can bring beauty from the ashes of their circumstances. Oh, I'll also be praying that the treatments are effective and that cancer loses this round, make no mistake. But more importantly, I'll be praying that God does a work in their lives that is so great that they wouldn't give up the things they find on the other side of the experience in exchange for a smoother journey.

Start Spreadin' The News......

With apologies to Frank Sinatra for the title.

Got the call from the Doctor's office.

The scan was free of cancer.

I took my pills immediately.

Too bad the results won't be immediate. But even so, I'm very thankful to mark today as the first day back toward normalcy......... Well, as close as I get to normal anyway.

My thanks for all the prayers.

Unofficial Results

Soooo Tired.......

After a pretty much sleepless night (Mary came in to wake me up and I was perched precariously on a porcelain pedestal) I had my scan early this morning. I saw it and it looked good to my untrained (but semi-experienced) eye. Now we wait for the official word from the Dr. Hopefully sometime Monday.

I came home and had a bite to eat (for all the good it did me...... if you know what I mean) and tried to sleep for a couple of hours.

That's all for today. Too tired to attempt another three hour composition.

Today's Specials...........

So, what's on the menu for today at Chateu Benjamin?

This is the bountiful breakfast of radioactive champions everywhere. I'm on clear liquids today and for breakfast I had Jello and tea.

I am indebted to Magnificent Mary, My Matrimonial Mate for the Jello. That gal sure can cook! It's why I married her you know.

The tea was provided by the Simply Sweet Sonya who made it herself and brought it by before work. It's a combination of green tea and white tea and has just a hint of mint.

Aren't you wishing you were me today?

After such a tremendous breakfast, one might be temped to sit back and rub their belly for the rest of the day and simply reminisce, a sort of mental rumination over the flavorful feast that broke last nights fast.

A Lunch That Won't Bunch

After such a fine morning's repast, a light lunch is in order.

"Broth and tea for me", you say?

You'd be right! And what a delight..... Here we have a savory chicken broth and the home-made green and white tea. Or is it the other way around?

Looks like twin urine samples.

Dinner Fit For The Throne

How could one possibly ask for more?

Here's a dinner for those who would rather pass.....

One might think, "I can't stand any more!" but this
is a feast that will compel you to sit..... for the rest of the evening.

Starting off with a four course meal of Bisacodyl conveniently packaged in a foil-backed blister pack. This meal would be enough to elicit delighted moans and much belly rubbing from the casual diner, but for those with more sophisticated palates, the coup de grâce is that the meal comes with not one, but two bottles of the finest Phospho-soda from Fleet. Together this combination is guaranteed to open streams of expressive outbursts from tummy rubbing diners for the remainder of the evening. I'm sure that those partaking in such a feast will be surprised at renewed outpourings just when they thought the evening's festivities had settled down.

Why does the lighting in that picture look more ominous than the others?

Anyhow, all this to get a nice clean scan tomorrow and hopefully a reading that shows no new cancer.

Officially Radioactive........

Took my dose of radioactive I131 today. I can be in the same room with people, but no hugging and have to keep a little distance (arms length). I also have to eat off of paper plates with disposable utensils and drink from disposable cups and I have to flush twice whenever going to the bathroom.

Tomorrow the real fun begins. I only get clear liquids to eat or drink and in the evening I get to start on......

THE CLEANSING......

How in the world could I have forgotten about that?!?! I think I must have blocked it out. There are four little pills and two vials of vile liquid designed to make everything that's inside try to get outside as quickly as possible. Having the big "D" when you're feeling good is no big deal, but this is not just a case of the "trots" but a full tilt run where the stakes of not being quick enough would mean having to clean up a radioactive toxic mess from an explosion that gives "going nuclear" a scatalogical twist. This is the Super "Bowl" version of the big "D" and it comes at a time when I have trouble breathing or walking and every fiber of my physical body feels as though it's been taxed to the limit already.

Come tomorrow evening, I don't think I'll be in the living room. I'll be camped out just a few feet from the "stadium" where this whole drama will play out. At least we hope it all stays in the stadium!

My muscles are so tight that drying off after a shower or putting on a T-shirt feels like the final reps of a shoulder workout pushed to failure. Those folks who've checked out my forearms and the meaty part of my thumbs look at me like, "Yeah, yeah. How tight could they be?" As soon as they touch those locations their eyes widen in shocked disbelief. It's not a mock look of surprise either. They keep touching my arms or thumbs and offering a mix of condolences, sympathy and disbelief. It's kind of interesting that nobody has just felt the muscles once and been satisfied but everyone has to feel them again and again as if to reassure themselves that they really are that swollen and hard. Body builders would probably kill for that, but I'd opt for a softer reality if it meant feeling better.

When I walk I noticed that my feet turn out a lot. I try to turn them in but the swelling is what seems to be causing it and it takes some effort to line them up straight if only for a bit. When I do my inner thighs are pressed hard together and feel like they're about to split through the skin. I keep telling myself, "Just a few days more and hopefully I can restart the meds."

Time to completely type this post? Three hours.........

Scan-O-Rama Time..........

Well, the last blood test says I'm good to go. Just in case someone was in need of something to praise God for.......

I get dosed with radioactive iodine on Tuesday and will be scanned on Thursday. So I'll briefly have to don the cape and tights and assume the role of Radioactive Man! But not like I do when I'm given a treatment dosage.

It feels like a covert operation with the number of different people assigned to drive me first to one location where I'll transfer vehicles and drivers to go to the location of the nearest scanner. I wonder if they'll have to blindfold me. Not that it would make much difference. It gets increasingly difficult to look through the puffy slits where my eyes used to be. I think they may still be in there and I just can't see them any more.

I'm having more trouble sleeping the last two nights. I've been sleeping nearly 12 to 13 hours out of 24. Last week I started waking up a bit earlier toward the end of the week. Friday and Saturday nights I'd sleep for an hour and wake up all jittery and unable to sleep until 4 or 5 AM only to wake up again around 6. I usually just lay there for another hour or so hoping to fall back to sleep. People kept asking if sleeping helped and I told them I wasn't sleepy, just tired. Now I'm both. Mary says I'm making short snorts in the middle of the night even with the CPAP machine. I may see if I can turn up the pressure.

If I get out of bed in the night I'm all jittery and every joint aches. It feels like I must move in order to ease the pain and so I twitch. Today I was talking to someone and my lip suddenly twisted into a knot that tried to crawl up my face. The person I was talking to asked, "Was that involuntary?" It was. But maybe if it looked cool enough I'll try to learn how to do it. I'll have to ask them.

I did feel good enough to sit in a chair yesterday and do a few maternity shots of this couple. She's a sweet tea drinkin' Southern Belle and he's just a ding-a-ling..... If they weren't family I might have referred them elsewhere. But it wasn't too bad as long as I rested frequently. There are a few more at my photo blog.

Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow
In other news. My aunt Karen only has cancer in the one breast. However, she will have to undergo a double mastectomy and has already been given her first chemo treatment. She reports no ill effects but has been told all her hair will fall out in a couple of weeks. That'll be good as the beard was starting to bother me.......

Just kidding.........

I like the beard.......

No. Really, I do..........