'Tis The Season II.........

I promised another Christmas memory by today, didn't I?

As our family gathers together here in Queen Creek, there's a part of us missing. Sean, Ashli and Ethan stayed in Wichita this year. We miss them but have already talked with them on the phone. So this Christmas memory is about Sean.

One year Mary's parents were spending a few months with us. Historically they had given the kids pencils with their names on them. It was a big joke that they always misspelled Sean's name as "Shaun" or "Shawn" or some other variation. This particular year there was a very large present with a card that read "To Sean from Grandma and Grandpa Jarboe".

The story was that they felt really bad about spelling his name wrong on the pencils all these years and this gift was to make up for it. It drove his older brother nuts.

On Christmas morning Sean tore open the wrapping paper to reveal a set of golf clubs. He profusely thanked Grandma and Grandpa for the gift and they apologized for spelling his name wrong on so many pencils for so many years.

Eventually Sean told his brother that he'd bought himself the golf clubs and had grandpa write the card. So, they sat wrapped in our living room rather than traveling the local courses because Sean got as much pleasure, if not more, from agitating his brother than he did from golfing.

Anyway, a whole new batch of memories are headed our way. That's Mary Addie Elizabeth the first on Santa's lap. Yeah, I took the photo....... I know what you're thinking. First a tree, now this?!?!?

'Tis The Season......

Well, I started this blog a few months back and likened it to one of those Family newsletters that seem to land in our mailboxes this time of year and now Christmas is upon us. Many people reflect upon the things of God during this season. I really try to do that throughout the year. Far from robbing the season of it's thunder, it really enhances the season for me. That's a good thing too, because so much of what the season has become seems to diminish the wonder of Christmas and reduce it to a stress-filled, mall wars free-for-all. The only reason Wii want to play is because Wii make so much money and we pay the price with more than our cash (or debt). I can't dwell on that kind of stuff or I get cynical.

Another thing that folks reflect on during this season is family. Family too is important to me. My relationship with Christ is primary, but family is certainly second. I hear people my age and younger talking about how they can hardly wait until their kids move out. Man, I don't understand that. It happened too soon for Mary and I.

I was talking to some of my co-workers today and relating some Christmas memories. If you ask our kids what they remember most about Christmas I'm sure one of them will mention that, "Dad always read the story of Jesus' birth from Luke chapter 2." That was a constant in our family tradition. Beyond that we changed things up pretty often:

One year we had no presents out for the kids. They kept asking and we kept feigning ignorance. On Christmas morning each of the kids was given an envelope. Each envelope contained a message telling them that a clue to the whereabouts of their presents was in the scriptures, and there was a reference. Each of them looked up their verses and tried to figure out what location the clue referenced. Each clue led to another and another until they found their gifts.

I think I'll share another post or two with memories of Christmas past before the day arrives.

This year most of us will be gathered in our home: Carlos III, his wife Cathy and their new little one - Mary Addie Elizabeth Conchita Louisa Ordonez the first (OK, everything after "Elizabeth" is made up....); We'll also have Angela, her husband Ben and their little man Aden (He's a trip! The photos in this post are of Aden). Unfortunately Sean, his wife Ashli and their little guy Ethan (who is doing so much better, thanks for askin') won't be joining us. I think I'll post a Sean memory next time.

Here's "Indiana Aden" wearing Pappa's hat. This was back when he spoke everyone's name out loud but would only whisper, "Pappa" which is what he was saying as I shot this.

So, if this is a "Christmas" post, what's with the pumpkin patch? These were some shots taken of Aden when he was picking out his "Apple". I just hadn't been able to blog about it yet, so I included the shots here. For those who want a shot that says "Christmas", here's one of our adopted daughter Bobbie and our Christmas tree........ yes, you heard right. We have a Christmas tree this year. Go tell it on the mountain............

Welcome, Miss Addie.....

I didn't have anything better to do after work last night. I'd only been sleeping about three hours a night all week and was so tired that the woman in line next to me at Chipotle Wednesday night felt compelled to comment on how tired I looked and admonished me to go home and get some sleep. So Thursday, as soon as the van rolled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, I hopped in my car and headed someplace other than home. I went to the hospital...........

No. I wasn't sick..... again..... I went to see our newest family member, Mary Addie Elizabeth Benjamin (sounds like a little Irish Catholic girl's name).

She's a cutie! I was able to hold her for quite awhile and did my usual "stare at the baby in awe and wonder without saying anything for a very long time" thing.

Most of the time she slept, but for awhile she just looked right back at me, nothing but peace and tranquility passing between us, and then, back to sleep......

Knocked out.....
And still sleeping.....The happy family..... My boy, Elroy..... Oh, no. That was the Jetsons. That's the big boy, Carlos III, his lovely bride Cathy (she's really quiet but very funny - we're keepin' her) and little Addie in the middle.She's pretty alert....... well, when she's awake........

And this is how I left her:

I think I may have to go see her again.

Seems Like It's All About Me

I really started this blog as a spot to put stuff about our family. I guess my timing wasn't good since it seems that it's been all about me.......

And this post is no exception.

I got to go to the hospital last week. I just wasn't having enough drama in my life and I asked myself, "What more could I do to give myself some additional pain?" Well, the answer came in a flash. How about a heart cath? Yeah!!!

Actually, I'd been to my cardiologist shortly after stopping the thyroid meds and he wanted to do a stress test. I told him he'd better hurry since I was off the meds and probably wouldn't have enough energy to complete the test if he waited too long.

When my doctor checked the stress test results he said, "For a normal person this would be a pretty good test result. But you're not normal." Well, shoot, everybody knows that. Unfortunately that meant he wanted to take a closer look at my heart and that meant an angiogram.

I was only in for a day. They used a new doohickey (medical term) to plug the hole in my femoral artery. It's an Angio-Seal and it's actually pretty cool.

Anyway, they said I have two arteries that are about 50% occluded but that they usually don't do a stent or even a balloon until they're 70%. I figure it took fifty years for me to get that plugged up, so I won't need another angiogram until I'm pushin' seventy. Hooray!

Hopefully I'll get to go back to work next week. I had hoped to see the doctor this week to get a release, but he's out of town. I'll see him on Monday and he should sign off on a release to go back to work at that time.

Maybe my next post will get to be about something else besides my worn-out carcass. I'm slowly scanning some old family photos, so maybe we'll get some Benjamin/Richardson history thrown in.

I Like Rollercoasters....... Usually.........

Normally I like roller coasters. If I go to a theme park I want to ride all the coasters. I know a coaster is really good when my face hurts at the end of the ride because I've been grinning so big.

That's the norm for me.

I don't like the roller coaster I find myself on right now. Monday and Tuesday I was really feeling a lot better. Wednesday and Thursday I plummeted and felt horrible for two days. Nothing thrilling about that plunge. So far today I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully we're on an uphill trend for a bit.

Enough about me though:

I got an email from my aunt Karen. Her hair is pretty much gone from her chemo, but she isn't getting sick from it. That's a real answer to prayer. She's had a port implanted behind her collar bone so that the chemo can be directly administered there. Continue to pray for aunt Karen and for Brooke Nungesser in Poznan, Poland (I mentioned her recurrent pituitary tumor last post). If you want to, you can keep praying for me, but I'm pretty much on the mend and there's no place to go but up....... well, except for the occasional plunge......

One Week Back On The Meds.......

Today marks one week since I was told I was cancer free and able to resume my meds. The swelling has gone down considerably. This weekend my thumbs and forearms were finally pliable and no longer feel like the skin is about to split. However, I still have to rest after a couple of lines of typing. For instance, I had to lower my arms and let them hang for about one minute after typing the line about my thumbs and forearms.

As soon as I went on the meds I think I started losing water accumulation and started dropping weight by about a pound a day (don't I wish that was a trend that would continue with excess fat after the excess water is gone). That got me all excited that my recovery would go much quicker this time, but the trend seemed to plateau after five days. Drat!

I've been having crazy ideas that come in the middle of the night. I think my brain is starting to shake off the fog and is metaphorically leaping for joy and just throwing out ideas and getting all excited about them to the point I'm not getting much sleep. I have to admit the ideas are pretty cool (or maybe the part of my brain that analyzes stuff is still in the mental fog or any idea is a breath of fresh air and is being evaluated purely emotionally) and I'm jotting them down. Some of them have to do with lighting setups and other ideas for photography. One is an idea for a notebook (paper, not computer) of all things. Some are just plain silly..... Like, "What would an Amish TV network be like? Especially considering the Amish don't watch TV." I have a newscast with Jedediah Lehman as the bearded anchor man and some stories already cooking. Now, if I can just get ahold of a good video camera.....

I was able to go to church yesterday. That was a major plus. I only missed the previous Sunday in order to protect the church peeps from my radioactive-ness, but it seemed like it had been forever. I just sat in a chair and everyone came by to say howdy and get (or give) a radioactive-free hug.

When I wake up in the mornings my eyes are still glued shut. When I wipe the goo free and am able to open them they still look like these angry black holes in my face, but I think they look better after a few hours (or I just get used to seeing them like that whenever I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror). It's hard to evaluate and determine if something is actually progress (like the weight loss, which was measurable) or just subjective hopefulness. A few things are undeniable, but most of the things I've "noticed" may just be wishful thinking -- although, that in itself could be a result of just feeling better in general.

I'm going to try an outing today and see how I do.

Prayer Request
Pastor announced yesterday that Brooke Nungesser, one of "our" missionaries to Poland (one of the 'Polish Nuns' [Nungesser]), has received her results from a recent MRI and the tumor on her pituitary is back. I know that Brooke was praying for me and I will certainly be praying for Brooke. Whatever lies ahead may not be easy, but I can assure you that God's sustaining grace is more than sufficient for you at every point along the journey. Take this opportunity to draw near to him and he will draw near to you.

There's something about "cancer" and other "tragic circumstances" that can be a great clarifier. You get that diagnosis or hear some news and suddenly things that occupied your thoughts and held such a place of high importance just evaporate like a fog into thin air, leaving the things that were truly important all along to stand in stark contrast to the formerly important things that obscured them.

So, why did I use quotation marks around "cancer" and "tragic circumstances"? Because they aren't even important. They are the catalyst that parts the curtain of life to reveal what is genuinely important. We get so wrapped up in circumstances and possessions that we neglect and even abuse that which is precious beyond measure. You can just cruise through an average neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday and see it. The parent yelling at the kid that just put a dent in the car with her tricycle for instance. If you were to go to the parent and tell them you could make the car good as new and protect it from any new damage from dents or scratches they might get pretty excited. So you wave your hand and the dent is gone along with any scratches, and tar from recent road repairs just glides off and drops to the ground. Now they're really excited! "That was amazing! And you're saying it'll just stay this way? In perfect condition? For as long as I own it?" You nod in the affirmative. Now, as you walk away you reach down and pick up the little girl they were just yelling at and head down the street. Gratitude turns to anger and they want to know where you're going with their kid. "Oh, that's the price. The child is now mine in exchange for a perfect finish on your precious car......" Now perspectives change radically. The finish on the car isn't nearly as important when you're faced with the true value of a treasure so recently taken for granted. In fact, you'd rather lose the new car completely......

For me, cancer was like that. Cancer cleared away the fog of busy-ness we allow ourselves to be caught up in and I was able to see once again the things that truly matter. Did I enjoy cancer? No. But if I could go back and choose to opt out of it, I wouldn't do it if it meant I lost the things gained by having gone through it.

That's my prayer for Brooke and for my aunt Karen. That cancer would be a tool that God uses in their lives to bring something of value to them that transcends the "circumstances" they'll find themselves in as a result of their diagnoses and treatments. I can't wave my hand and have their cancer not exist. It's there. It's real. But there is a name that is greater than the name of their particular type of tumor. He is also there. He is also real. And he has the testimony that he can bring beauty from the ashes of their circumstances. Oh, I'll also be praying that the treatments are effective and that cancer loses this round, make no mistake. But more importantly, I'll be praying that God does a work in their lives that is so great that they wouldn't give up the things they find on the other side of the experience in exchange for a smoother journey.

Start Spreadin' The News......

With apologies to Frank Sinatra for the title.

Got the call from the Doctor's office.

The scan was free of cancer.

I took my pills immediately.

Too bad the results won't be immediate. But even so, I'm very thankful to mark today as the first day back toward normalcy......... Well, as close as I get to normal anyway.

My thanks for all the prayers.

Unofficial Results

Soooo Tired.......

After a pretty much sleepless night (Mary came in to wake me up and I was perched precariously on a porcelain pedestal) I had my scan early this morning. I saw it and it looked good to my untrained (but semi-experienced) eye. Now we wait for the official word from the Dr. Hopefully sometime Monday.

I came home and had a bite to eat (for all the good it did me...... if you know what I mean) and tried to sleep for a couple of hours.

That's all for today. Too tired to attempt another three hour composition.

Today's Specials...........

So, what's on the menu for today at Chateu Benjamin?

This is the bountiful breakfast of radioactive champions everywhere. I'm on clear liquids today and for breakfast I had Jello and tea.

I am indebted to Magnificent Mary, My Matrimonial Mate for the Jello. That gal sure can cook! It's why I married her you know.

The tea was provided by the Simply Sweet Sonya who made it herself and brought it by before work. It's a combination of green tea and white tea and has just a hint of mint.

Aren't you wishing you were me today?

After such a tremendous breakfast, one might be temped to sit back and rub their belly for the rest of the day and simply reminisce, a sort of mental rumination over the flavorful feast that broke last nights fast.

A Lunch That Won't Bunch

After such a fine morning's repast, a light lunch is in order.

"Broth and tea for me", you say?

You'd be right! And what a delight..... Here we have a savory chicken broth and the home-made green and white tea. Or is it the other way around?

Looks like twin urine samples.

Dinner Fit For The Throne

How could one possibly ask for more?

Here's a dinner for those who would rather pass.....

One might think, "I can't stand any more!" but this
is a feast that will compel you to sit..... for the rest of the evening.

Starting off with a four course meal of Bisacodyl conveniently packaged in a foil-backed blister pack. This meal would be enough to elicit delighted moans and much belly rubbing from the casual diner, but for those with more sophisticated palates, the coup de grâce is that the meal comes with not one, but two bottles of the finest Phospho-soda from Fleet. Together this combination is guaranteed to open streams of expressive outbursts from tummy rubbing diners for the remainder of the evening. I'm sure that those partaking in such a feast will be surprised at renewed outpourings just when they thought the evening's festivities had settled down.

Why does the lighting in that picture look more ominous than the others?

Anyhow, all this to get a nice clean scan tomorrow and hopefully a reading that shows no new cancer.

Officially Radioactive........

Took my dose of radioactive I131 today. I can be in the same room with people, but no hugging and have to keep a little distance (arms length). I also have to eat off of paper plates with disposable utensils and drink from disposable cups and I have to flush twice whenever going to the bathroom.

Tomorrow the real fun begins. I only get clear liquids to eat or drink and in the evening I get to start on......

THE CLEANSING......

How in the world could I have forgotten about that?!?! I think I must have blocked it out. There are four little pills and two vials of vile liquid designed to make everything that's inside try to get outside as quickly as possible. Having the big "D" when you're feeling good is no big deal, but this is not just a case of the "trots" but a full tilt run where the stakes of not being quick enough would mean having to clean up a radioactive toxic mess from an explosion that gives "going nuclear" a scatalogical twist. This is the Super "Bowl" version of the big "D" and it comes at a time when I have trouble breathing or walking and every fiber of my physical body feels as though it's been taxed to the limit already.

Come tomorrow evening, I don't think I'll be in the living room. I'll be camped out just a few feet from the "stadium" where this whole drama will play out. At least we hope it all stays in the stadium!

My muscles are so tight that drying off after a shower or putting on a T-shirt feels like the final reps of a shoulder workout pushed to failure. Those folks who've checked out my forearms and the meaty part of my thumbs look at me like, "Yeah, yeah. How tight could they be?" As soon as they touch those locations their eyes widen in shocked disbelief. It's not a mock look of surprise either. They keep touching my arms or thumbs and offering a mix of condolences, sympathy and disbelief. It's kind of interesting that nobody has just felt the muscles once and been satisfied but everyone has to feel them again and again as if to reassure themselves that they really are that swollen and hard. Body builders would probably kill for that, but I'd opt for a softer reality if it meant feeling better.

When I walk I noticed that my feet turn out a lot. I try to turn them in but the swelling is what seems to be causing it and it takes some effort to line them up straight if only for a bit. When I do my inner thighs are pressed hard together and feel like they're about to split through the skin. I keep telling myself, "Just a few days more and hopefully I can restart the meds."

Time to completely type this post? Three hours.........

Scan-O-Rama Time..........

Well, the last blood test says I'm good to go. Just in case someone was in need of something to praise God for.......

I get dosed with radioactive iodine on Tuesday and will be scanned on Thursday. So I'll briefly have to don the cape and tights and assume the role of Radioactive Man! But not like I do when I'm given a treatment dosage.

It feels like a covert operation with the number of different people assigned to drive me first to one location where I'll transfer vehicles and drivers to go to the location of the nearest scanner. I wonder if they'll have to blindfold me. Not that it would make much difference. It gets increasingly difficult to look through the puffy slits where my eyes used to be. I think they may still be in there and I just can't see them any more.

I'm having more trouble sleeping the last two nights. I've been sleeping nearly 12 to 13 hours out of 24. Last week I started waking up a bit earlier toward the end of the week. Friday and Saturday nights I'd sleep for an hour and wake up all jittery and unable to sleep until 4 or 5 AM only to wake up again around 6. I usually just lay there for another hour or so hoping to fall back to sleep. People kept asking if sleeping helped and I told them I wasn't sleepy, just tired. Now I'm both. Mary says I'm making short snorts in the middle of the night even with the CPAP machine. I may see if I can turn up the pressure.

If I get out of bed in the night I'm all jittery and every joint aches. It feels like I must move in order to ease the pain and so I twitch. Today I was talking to someone and my lip suddenly twisted into a knot that tried to crawl up my face. The person I was talking to asked, "Was that involuntary?" It was. But maybe if it looked cool enough I'll try to learn how to do it. I'll have to ask them.

I did feel good enough to sit in a chair yesterday and do a few maternity shots of this couple. She's a sweet tea drinkin' Southern Belle and he's just a ding-a-ling..... If they weren't family I might have referred them elsewhere. But it wasn't too bad as long as I rested frequently. There are a few more at my photo blog.

Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow
In other news. My aunt Karen only has cancer in the one breast. However, she will have to undergo a double mastectomy and has already been given her first chemo treatment. She reports no ill effects but has been told all her hair will fall out in a couple of weeks. That'll be good as the beard was starting to bother me.......

Just kidding.........

I like the beard.......

No. Really, I do..........

Pray For Aunt Karen.....

Warning! Long post ahead:

For those inclined to prayer, I'd like to ask that you pray for my (crazy) aunt Karen. She was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer earlier this week. This is a very aggressive form of cancer that does not follow the pattern for detection that most breast cancers do. It forms in sheets rather than lumps and so it evades detection by manual examination for lumps or even by mammogram.

The good news is that now that aunt Karen and I are both fighting cancer we've doubled the odds in our favor! There's a new "Dynamic Duo" in town Mr. Cancer. You don't have a chance.....

What's the scoop on my condition?
On a personal front in the new team effort, I'm going through my "annual" retest for cancer. The first couple of times were a bit rough, but the last couple were easy (relatively) since modern science had developed a shot that could bring my hormone levels to the place they needed to be without taking me off my meds (not a good thing, trust me). I tried to get this scan set up beginning last year and the Dr wanted me to take a sleep apnea test first. I did. Now I sleep with a CPAP (Continous Positive Airway Pressure) machine, basically a device that shoves air up my nose all night. Then there was delay after delay until finally things seemed to be underway. The problem was I couldn't get anything scheduled. The doctor wanted me to set it up with the radio-oncology dept at the hospital since they were the ones who administered the magic shots last time. They couldn't do it without a referral. The doctor didn't know what to order because he's never given the shots and sent paperwork over to the hospital asking them to order the stuff. The hospital said it won't give the shots any more. The doctor says they can't give the shots any more because it was pulled off the shelves because it was dangerous. Eh, worked for me...... Anyway, a little over a month and a half ago the Dr. took me off my meds and it's been a downhill ride ever since.

I decided to work as long as I could. The last time my boss sent me home as soon as I told him what was coming up. That was bad for the finances. This time I'm under a reorganized IT department and told only those who needed to know and a few friends. At first things went pretty well. I was even able to go to a week of training for my new position (where I actually met some pretty cool folks working at the hotel that were a blessing to me). I was also able to make the trek to Kansas for my mom's birthday (although I was quite fatigued and the puffiness and swelling had already started). The plan was to take a day off to rest up and then hit it again. Everything went according to plan except for the hit it again part...... On the way back from Kansas I was a hurtin' puppy. Every wiggle side to side was killing me because the core muscles just couldn't hold up trying to keep me aligned I guess. I didn't go back to work.

The Process
Here's the timeline thus far and what we're looking at going forward: First of July I stopped my primary medication which has a month (plus) cumulative effect and takes a few weeks to wear off. On the first of August I stopped the secondary medication which doesn't accumulate and is depleted from the system in a matter of a day or two. I stay off these meds and my thyroid levels plummet toward zero which results in all manner of physiological discomforts and problems (more on that in a moment).

As the thyroid hormone drops the body begins to manufacture another hormone that tries to tap the thyroid on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me, but we'd really appreciate it if you made us some more thyroid hormones because none of the rest of us can function properly without it." The only problem is that there's no longer a thyroid there to heed the call. When the body sees that its polite request is being ignored, it steps things up and produces ever increasing levels of the hormone asking for more thyroid to be produced until it is screaming out for "MORE THYROID NOW!!!!!!" When it reaches that point the only tissues that respond to it are thyroid cancer tumors and I think all they do is make fun of the plight of the body and take credit for all the symptoms and give each other high fives...... well, at the cellular level......

It is at this point that I can eat some radioactive iodine in the morning and come back in the afternoon and lay still while they run a big disc over me to see if any of the iodine accumulates in "hotspots". Those spots will be tumors. If there are no tumors, I get to go back on my meds immediately and it takes a few weeks to start feeling normal (and possibly able to return to work) and up to a month or so to be back in full swing.

BUT! If there are tumors I must stay off the meds while the doctors cook up a super radioactive pill with enough radiation to kill all the tumors (and a few other things in the process) and I check into the hospital for a brief but lonely stay. Once I take the pill I can't have any visitors until the daily visit with a lead clad person holding a geiger counter tells me I'm no longer hot enough to be a threat to society. After that we schedule a follow up scan to see if the treatment took out all the tumors. If not, we repeat the process. If so, I go back on the meds.

So, What Point Are We At?
Right now? I'm somewhere between politely requesting more hormones and screaming out for more. How long until I'm ready for the scan? Don't know. I was supposed to see the doctor yesterday, but he wasn't in. The office tried to call me to reschedule and left several messages for me...... on my work phone....... Sigh..............

This time around I'm experiencing things I don't remember from the last two times my body was allowed to go through this cycle, along with some I well remember. Earlier this week I had a return visit from Mr. Unexpected Cramp In An Unusual Place when my throat literally siezed up. Bam! Felt like I was being choked and stabbed in the throat simultaneously. Left me spent..... The last time I remember a super cramp in my abs that woke me out of a dead sleep (which is harder and harder to come by) and twisted my belly into a palpable knot that left me gasping and sweating when it released its grip.

Other things of note? Fatigue (check); numbness in hands (check); muscles feel like I've just had an intense weight lifting session and achieved the biggest "pump" ever (check); only being able to stand or walk for a few minutes before my lower back gives out (check); typing a couple of lines and then having to rest my arms (check); head gets too heavy to hold up (check); voice gives out because jaw, throat and tongue muscles can't continue (check); headaches mid-day from trying to hold my eyes open by lifting the eyelids with my forehead muscles (check).

A couple of manifestations I don't remember? I'm now waking up every morning with my eyes glued shut by some super adhesive secreted by my own body. Last night I couldn't sleep so I came out and worked on this blog entry (knowing it will take hours spread out over alternating rests and restarts and more than one day). I kept feeling like I was passing out but would recover immediately and then feel like I was passing out again within a few seconds. This wasn't like falling asleep in your chair because I wasn't sleepy -- tired but not sleepy -- but very much like blacking out. It was so persistent that I went to look in the mirror for signs of a stroke or something. Nope. Just a swollen face (check) and puffy eyes (check). I finally went back to bed and eventually fell asleep but woke up pretty early this morning.

What's In My Head As A Result?
I learn something each time I go through this though. This time I've been reading "Experiencing God", by Henry Blackaby. Wow. Reading, by the way, consists of lying down and holding the book until I can't hold it up any more. Usually a couple of pages to start and then a few paragraphs and eventually a line or two. Turns out that gives me more time to reflect on what I've just read.

In the previous times I've gone through this I got all sorts of comments about how it was obvious that my faith was sustaining me. That's once again the case, but as I read this book I'm finding out something new. I have this deep reservoir of faith that I am able to tap whenever I'm thrown into the abyss by something beyond my control (like being diagnosed with cancer the first time or the shots being taken off the market this time). I can attest to the faithfulness of God in meeting our needs each time I've found myself in the valley of the shadow (and it is only a shadow) of death or for prolonged lengths of unemployment or other hardships that I've not chosen to make public because of their nature. What this book has helped me to realize is that I've not yet reached the point to where I am willing to step into an abyss voluntarily.

Well, why would you want to do that? That's just nuts! The fact is you wouldn't want to do that. Not just to do it. But if God were calling you to take a step of faith to do something that was well beyond your capabilities and resources, a step that, without God's equipping and supply would result in certain ruin..... a call like the one he gave to Moses....... If my aim is to know God and to make him known, then a call like that would allow me to manifest God to others through my weakness and show him to be strong in my behalf:

2Chronicles 16:9 For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.

My prayer now is that I will learn to transfer my trust in God when thrown into the abyss into a trust that is willing to follow his call by certain faith into uncertain waters. Then, perhaps others will see Christ in me, the hope of glory....... Amen.

============ Update from previous post ================
From The "As If This Weren't Too Long Already" Dept.
As a follow up on the previous post. Chase Bank also closed out my Photography account (It appears that nefarious babysitting isn't the only suspicious activity they monitor) and I had to open a new one. I really didn't need something else to be dragged out of the house for..... We opted for accounts with a family owned bank instead of one of the big, heartless (and apparently brainless) mega banks and opened new acounts with Amtrust Bank here in Arizona. They seem to offer everything the big guys do other than ubiquitous ATMs and are very pleasant to work with. I'll keep you posted......

Desperados........

I really hadn't planned on another post just yet but that was before the events of the last couple of days and I really wanted to get this posted before the black helicopters arrive and I get a one-way ticket to Guantanamo. Why would I talk about going to Gitmo? you might ask......... I'm here to tell ya.

A couple of days ago I whip out the ol' debit card to get a little something at Chipotle (everybody says "Mmmmmmm, Chipotle") but something's wrong. The machine won't allow the transaction. The clerk is puzzled and says, "It's not denying the transaction, but it's not allowing it either." So I pay in cash and tell Mary we need to call Chase Bank, which up to now has been a delight to work with.

According to Chase Bank our account has been flagged as suspicious and the balance is now such that we owe them $1,999,999.99! Yep, that's gettin' pretty close to a couple million dollars...... Why is it suspicious (other than this new balance)? Mary does daycare. And she does it for far less than she should. As a result she makes several small deposits to the account each week. Several small deposits per week (my payroll direct deposit being the only exception) has apparently drawn suspicion from the computers at Chase Bank. I guess we look like some kind of money laundering operation or drug cartel. But I always thought those guys dealt with big money. I'd think your smart computer would be on the lookout for large cash deposits, not several small ones, or at least a whole lot of small deposits that end up being a big pile o' cash. And the balance owed to the bank (which is pretty much going to wipe out my payroll deposit tomorrow.......)? That's how they flag the account and freeze the assets before closing the account permanently in ten days! What?

So, at this point I'm assuming that we don't have enough cash influx to trigger the drug cartel alarms at Chase, so they must assume these small checks and handfuls of cash must be small donations to our local Queen Creek terrorist cell group. Maybe they've seen the small cadre of folks that come to the house on Wednesday nights for Bible study and Thursday nights for prayer. That's why I'm expecting Homeland Security to bust down the doors any minute now and whisk us away for an all expense paid vacation to some exclusive terrorist interrogation facility. Hope the weather's nice.......

The next day Mary talks with a branch manager. One of the nice things about Chase is that you can still do that and they're actually very helpful. Well, they are I guess unless you're a suspected terrorist cell leader or something. "Sorry. Nothing we can do. Your account will be closed and any monies in it or soon to be deposited in it will be frozen for the next ten days and then we'll write you a check for the balance." Gee, I hope they can back out that 2 mil before they try to write the check or I'm going to have some bounced check fees too.

I'm sorry, but does this sound like a reasonable approach to doing business? I don't think so. I'm going to be writing some letters to Chase executives telling them as much. I should have plenty of time from my cell.........

Tired.....

Bleah!

I'm off my meds (don't worry, I'm not dangerous - probably less so than normal actually) and feel really tired....... and sore....... and a lot of other things..... none of which are particularly good.

I've been off the main one for about a month now and was really getting tired, but went off the other medication this past Saturday. Whoa! Crash! Things started spiraling down by the end of the day and I was exhausted. Went to a Birthday party and wasn't very sociable at all.

Sunday I decided I'd still play my trumpet and sing during praise. On the second song I was really starting to worship...... Just kidding. For those in the know Carlos III did a great job last week defining what worship is and is not. I just threw that in because it's right out of the presentation. The proper response being, "Well what were you doing during the first song?"

The truth is that by the second song I was really feeling fatigued in my facial muscles and in the middle of the third song I decided to stop playing trumpet since all I could muster was a sound that can only be described as "wet flatulance". Not conducive to worship. I finished that song vocally but could only sing through half the next one before I was straining to make easy notes come quavering out of my mouth. The next song I grabbed the Djimbe (a drum) and finished with a flop.

Today I went to work though and felt worse in the morning than I did in the afternoon. Whoever's praying, thanks. That's all for now. Kinda tired. Goin' to bed.

Continuing Our "Christmas In July" Clan Coverage

Well, the first poll has closed and the results are in. I was going to say "finally in" but they're pretty much instantaneous. What do the results show? Massive voter apathy it appears. Good thing I'm not running for President. At least John McCain started out with some steam. It appears I couldn't even build up enough steam to iron a shirt, much less power a national campaign.

In other news, head on over to the How Is Ethan blog to grab the latest installment on that front.

Big story of the week?

I Forgot My Sister's Birthday - And How I've Finally Learned To Cope With The Guilt

That's right. It is with shame etched across my face that I write these words. Robin's birthday was last........ Sunday I think........ and I didn't even remember to call her and sing her one of the birthday songs from my extensive repertoire.

Oh, sure, I could make excuses about scrambling around to get ready for my trip out of town. Or I could offer a weak argument regarding my being off my meds in order to prepare for another cancer scan (that's actually a good one because it uses the word "cancer" and makes people feel sorry for me, which I don't understand since it doesn't make me feel sorry for myself). I could blame my remorse over the passing of Tammy Fay. I could even blame advancing age or my incredibly busy schedule, all of which are probably factors in this sad tale of sorry sibling support!

Yes, I could do any one of those things to garner sympathy for my forgetful self, but I won't.

Oh, wait......

OK. So I did all those things just then, but I'm still owning up to the fact that I FORGOT!

Sorry, Robin. My eyes are wet with tears of regret and remorse. If only I had a webcam to show you what I'm talking about. If anyone wants to get me one, let me know and I'll put the one I want on my Amazon wish list and send you a link.......

So, here I am, in front of the whole Interweb thingy, where any google search for "sorry siblings who forget the birthdays of their only sister (and just about everyone else's....... including their own)" would probably find this post listed very near the top, offering my sincerest apology and wishing a.....

Happy Belated Birthday to the best sister I've ever had! Or will ever have I'm pretty sure......

I guess there's a couple of step sisters but we're talking about sharing significant switches in our DNA strands here. And probably switches from our parents except I think Mike and I got all the spankings and mom and dad were pretty well all spanked out by the time you came along. So, just stop reading after the DNA part.

Happy Birthday Robin. I love you. I just don't remember you apparently.

Christmas in July....

The two most dreaded items at Christmas time are the fruitcakes (that have the heft and consistency of a spare tire) and those family newsletters that chronicle a particular branch of your family tree. Well, I haven't figured out a way to electronically deliver a fruitcake equivalent, but through the magic of modern technology our branch of the nut tree can deliver the family newsletter all year long!

I can see you're thrilled.....

Since I've recently started a photo blog and a web page for my photography, I thought I may as well start a "Family blog" as well, and if you're reading this, you've stumbled upon it! Or were directed to it. Or maybe you were forced to click on a link presented to you by some arm twisting relative or another. At any rate, you're here.... and just in time too.

What exactly is a "Family blog"? I'm not really sure since I've not gone looking for anyone else's for examples. That means we can pretty much define this as we go. And when I say "we" of course I mean "me".

Maybe I'll post guest editorials from other members of the clan (or rebuttals). There will certainly be a photo or two from time to time. But it'll likely be some jumbled ramblings from my cluttered memories and faulty synaptic misfires most of the time.

Oh, I also have another blog that is specifically to follow the progress of my younger grandson, Ethan. If you don't do anything else, head over there and read up on the latest because the little guy could use your prayers. It is my hope that we can retire "How Is Ethan" sometime soon because the answer will be, "He's just fine". Yeah. That's the ticket......